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I hate myself... hate myself for my drastic moodswings.... feeling very depressed right now... upset over my acne problem... it seems to get worse... makes me feel so lousy... so insecure... I hate to look at myself in the mirror... i hate this look... so much money spent... why? why gives me so much pressure?? I am under a lot of pressure every day... feels that it is beyond my ability to cope.. i'm suffocating... i'm dying.... Seems like it is so difficult to cope without drugs.. I went to see my psychologist yesterday... she was kinda shocked when she saw me.. coz i have lost a lot of weight during the past two weeks... been losing 3kg fortnightly.... I'm so tired... have not been sleeping lately... was so busy with my school work that my acne gets worse... She reminded me that it is a give and take kind of thing... so i should be prepared... but why? why me? why do i have to pay such a price???
Seriously, i cant handle this anymore... i feel that i am going crazy anytime soon... I am tortured physically and emotionally every day... Can't wait to see my psychiatrist next week... I need medication.. I can't cope without it.... at least, the medication tires me out, so that i would not think so much... I am an avid thinker... practically thinking and imagining stuff every day... i hate it whenever I breakdown in the middle of the street as i am walking to school... i hate it when i could cry for hours in the bathroom every day... i hate every bit of me. I dont know who am I... i'm just so lost... feels that there is no one i can trust... not even God... I am losing faith in him... coz he doesn't seem to be around... he covers himself with the clouds when i pray to him... no longer is he close to me as before... but somehow, i feel that this is a test he has designed for me... a test on my faith and patience... because he targetted on my weakest point.... the ACNE... I tell u, i am terribly afraid of acnes... I am willing to lose everything than to have those damned acnes on my face... I'd rather die.... I know this sounds ridiculous... but my looks is where i gain my confidence.. my security... Ever since my breakouts, two or three months ago, my life is making a dramatic change... i have lost my confidence... my securities.... my everything... it is totally upside down... it hits me so hard that i almost committed suicide.... it seems like i have lost everything... even though my head knowledge tells me that it isn't so. I know very well God wants me to go back to him... I really want to also... but I realised that I can't trust him anymore.... even though i know that he will never fails me if i remain faithful.... I am afraid of disappointment...afraid that this history will repeat itself again...
Never in my life, there is no second chance.... if anyone fails me, i will no longer trust him. It is so difficult. Anyway, I know I am contradicting myself.... don't really know how to express myself.... neither do i want to think deeper... as it only makes me feel worse.
I managed to clear all modules... Got back my grades for Principle of Design, my weakest subject.. pretty surprised that I did pretty ok... around 76-80 marks... yep. Praise God ( I am contradicting myself again).... Well, to be honest with you, i am not happy with my grades, feels that I could have done a better job if i were to put in more effort. I am greedy... ambitious... whatever you say.... Again, I know that I am not as good as most of my classmates... Thinks my class is one of the best classes... so it is very competitive... I heard from my lecturer that my class has done very well... as many students in the other classes got mostly Cs and Ds... Whereas my class has almost all As and Bs.. Maybe one or two students who got Cs... therefore, i am considered one of the weaker student... as I have got a B+..... Was talking to a classmate of my mine, Yu Shan, she is a very hardworking girl... and she has got an A, almost 90 marks? Not too sure.... She was telling me that we would have to work even harder next term because we shouldn't compare with our classmates alone...we should compare with other classes...... sigh!i'm so stressed...
Amaryllis blogged at Friday, September 02, 2005