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I've sinned again today. Every day I tell myself, I mustn't sin. But I seem to do it again and again. Yesterday, I sinned. I repented and I committed that sin again today. I want to change. However, there are things that I want to keep to myself. A few days ago, I raised my voice at my mom, I told myself I mustn't do it again, however, I raised my voice at her again just now. I tried very hard to control myself, but I couldn't, or rather I didn't try hard enough. I was very pissed off. Absolutely pissed off with all her complains and repeated words. I have enough troubles of my own, and I didn't want to listen to hers. I ought to be more patient with her, I ought to share her troubles, I ought to encourage her. Instead, I blurted out hurtful words to her like I do not wish to know her troubles as I have enough troubles of my own. Sheesh!
I want to change. And I have to change. Character wise, to be more loving, to be more like Jesus. Sometimes, I feel like a little devil... To be truthful, I am a selfish and prideful person. I will hate you for life if you ever trample my pride. Fortunately, I have changed, not completely but partly. God has given me many tests, he has put many people in my life, good and not so good ones. Good ones to be around to encourage me in bad times, not so good ones to be around to say unpleasant words to me, which usually trample my pride. I thank God that during the past few days and years, I've learned to accept them. To accept whatever people have to comment. And to humble myself. God is moulding my character, he is seriously. I have learned so much from so many difficult situations. He is preparing me for something else... I do not know what it is... but one thing I know, if he brings me to it, he will bring me through it. I thank God that over these days, I've learned to be strong. I wasn't strong in the past... Small little things that happened to me, a little setbacks, I thought of foolish stuff like committing suicide, turning to self mutilation and all the silly stuff. Thank God that I'm no longer like this. I look at things at the positive side. :) I even told my mom that I don't need her to worry for me. No matter how hard I fall, I will still get up and move on. Even if there isn't anyone to be around to lend me a hand, I will still get up no matter what. Because I have God. He is my source of strength.
Apart from pride, I have another area I need to change, to be selfless. I realised that I am quite selfish at times... Even simple things like giving up my seat in the train, is what I have always been struggling. At times, I give it up... At times, I don't. Especially when I was feeling very exhuasted. Then when I do, I feel bad for the entire day until I go home and repent. Sigh! Even simple thing like this, is a struggle for me. Really must change. Ah, there are so much about me that I must change. I am not perfect. I am a sinner. Like what my Pastor said, we human are born to sin. It is so true. Who doesn't sin?
The path to the heavens is so narrow. Walking with God is so difficult. Every day I must make sure, I lead a day that pleases God. To try my best to be blameless before him. I've sinned again today. Tomorrow, I mustn't commit sin again. Have to be very careful with my words and thoughts. And yes, self control. I must learn to be patient, loving and slow to anger. That is what true love is.
Amaryllis blogged at Saturday, March 05, 2005